Coping with Recovery from a Narcissistic Relationship

by Suzanne Fisher

Recovering from being in a relationship with someone who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder is not easy. This is the worst breakup you will ever experience according to all the authorities on narcissism.

You have been lied to, controlled, manipulated, gaslighted, called horrific names, and sometimes physically abused as well as emotionally depleted. You have walked on eggshells to keep the narcissist from yelling at you and you have given up the joy and peace in your life. You have also even given up a lot of who you are to be even minimally acceptable to the narcissist.

The first part of coping with the end of a relationship with someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder is reaching out to your support system. If the narcissist has moved you away from your support system of friends and/or family, then it is time to reconnect with them.

But reconnecting will not be easy. Few of them will understand what you are going through unless they, too, have had to end that type of relationship.

You will most likely be told, “You should be happy now that you are out of that relationship.” While there may be a small part of you in the beginning when you remove yourself from the trauma you have experienced in the narcissistic relationship that is happy, it is likely overshadowed by the many other feelings you are experiencing.

The friends who have tried to ‘should’ you into being happy are ‘fixers.’ They are also likely empaths to a degree, and seeing or hearing about your unhappiness brings them pain. If they can talk you into being happy, then they do not have to feel your pain. They are usually also well-meaning in that they truly do want the best for you. But their ‘shoulding’ you into being happy when so many traumatic emotions are boiling up inside you does not help you heal. You need friends who will listen to you and comfort you.

So, you have to make some decisions about your support system. Do you explain what you need and set boundaries with the friends who try to ‘should’ you into being happy? Would they understand that you need to talk through your pain? Or do you set them aside for now and only discuss your pain with your therapist or people who can hear and accept you for what you are feeling?

And what you are probably feeling is a group of overwhelming emotions, so overwhelming that you might find it difficult to do even the most ordinary of tasks in your life right now. But it is important to keep on doing those daily tasks as they will keep you grounded in the days to come as you pull out and deal with your many conflicting emotions.

Some of those emotions may include:

  • Grief over losing a partner, grief worse than if your partner had died, because the partner you thought you had, the narcissistic partner you thought loved you in fact was incapable of loving you. Thus it is as if he or she has died. You will be coming face-to-face with the fact that the love you thought you had was just an illusion meant to manipulate and control you, and this is a very difficult thing to accept.
  • Embarrassment over being duped for so long. You may be feeling shame that you did not see the signs of narcissism before getting into the relationship or not until almost the end of the relationship. But you were not supposed to see the signs. You were carefully controlled into seeing only what the narcissist wanted you to see.

You wanted the relationship to work so you gave it your all, but the narcissist gave it nothing but smoke and mirrors, and most narcissists are masters of illusion. You needn’t feel guilty or ashamed because you loved someone so much you gave them a pass on some things, accepted them for what and who they are, and tolerated their arrogance and grandiosity. Narcissists target loving, caring, empathetic people. These are good qualities, and nothing to be ashamed of.

  • Loneliness, as life is just more fun with someone with whom you can share it. Narcissists tend to integrate themselves into every facet of your life so they can better control you, so yes, loneliness happens in a big way when you end a relationship with a narcissist.

But it is important to keep doing things and going places alone that you used to do and go with the narcissist. You will probably feel an incredible amount of sadness as you do these things, but you will also be laying new tracks for yourself to overcome the loneliness. “I can do this” needs to be your new mantra.

Remember, each time you dwell on thinking about or missing the narcissist, he or she is still controlling you. Do you really want that?

  • Fear of the narcissist may come up for you. When you end a relationship with narcissists, they can become very angry. After all, narcissists think they own you, how dare you disavow their ownership?

They may disparage you to your family and friends, but that really gains them nothing. Your family and friends deep down know who you really are.

You may want to get a protection order from the court. With a protection order the narcissist cannot contact you or your family or come on your property for a specified period of time without legal action being taken against him or her by the police when their actions are reported.

  • Negative thoughts may frequently disrupt your thought processes. Because of these negative thoughts the narcissist has created in your mind, you may find yourself devaluing or doubting your intuition, your memories, and/or your reality:
  • Gaslighting (leading you to question the validity of your thoughts, your perception of reality, and your memories). You are the only person who thinks in your mind now that the narcissist is gone, so throw the narcissist’s gaslighting out.
  • Name-calling (every wonderful part of you may have been turned into its opposite and used by the narcissist to say you are a horrid person. For example, since you are a loving person, you may be accused of being awful – non-loving – to your pets). Deep down you know you are not any of these awful things, so allow that reality to surface.
  • Calling you stupid or implying that you are stupid. You are an intelligent person. Otherwise you would not have been targeted by the narcissist. Narcissists love a challenge, and you were one because of your intelligence.
  • Saying everything bad that happens is your fault; narcissists rarely assume blame for anything they do. You can own your own mistakes, but you do not have to be responsible for other people’s mistakes.
  • Focusing on fearful scenarios; this is also known as ‘awfulizing.’ For instance, if you tripped and almost fell, you were told that you need to be more careful because you could have fallen down and gotten killed. Thus this fearful scenario plays in your head whenever you stumble.

For each one of these negative scenarios that has been lodged in your head, create a positive outcome and let it play in your mind. Congratulate yourself on not falling when you stumble.

  • These negative thoughts may lead you to second-guess yourself and lead you to devalue the wonderful person that you are. You must be pretty wonderful if you put up with a narcissist for any length of time in a relationship, so give up these negative thoughts.

Now you are ready to grow beyond the limitations the narcissist has created for you. You will need to offload the baggage the narcissist has given you to carry. It was never yours in the first place.

You may question the facets of yourself that got you targeted by the narcissist, being loving, empathetic, tolerant of others and non-judgmental. Don’t. You have qualities that many folks would love to have. In the future you will stop relationships in which you are not treated with respect and genuine love much sooner because you have learned a valuable lesson from your journey with the narcissist.

 

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